I Am My Own Worst Heroine...

If you’d like to hear a harrowing tale of a chickens--t heroine (I use the term loosely) and an evil monster, then by all means, please continue reading…



There I was in the pre-dawn darkness, nearly at the end of my wake-up-and-get-moving morning shower. Ben had already left for work, puppy was still asleep. The dim light of my closet was the only light that shone in the room. I looked out the glass shower door and noticed a dark mass on the carpet. “Hmmm…I don’t remember that…what could it be? Well, it’s not moving, so maybe it’s a clump of my hair on the floor or some sort of fuzz.” Obviously I didn’t have my glasses on. Then, guess what….it moved about a foot to the right! I vaguely remember some sort of profanity escaping my lips. I opened the shower door, grabbed my towel and wrapped it around me and stood there, drenched and dripping, searching the near darkness for something…ANYTHING to pretend to be my weapon. I would have much liked to have a Knight in Shining Armor appear instantly *poof* out of thin air, but chances of that were looking slim to none. “Ok, Melissa, you are on your own with this one…” I timidly approached the creature, and to my dismay it was exactly as I feared...it was a ginormous spider. “Of course it is…” {sigh} I jumped back onto my safe island, the bath mat. From there it was about 4 feet away, which was still too close for comfort. “Why don’t we own a weighted fly swatter on a 10 foot pole?” I needed to stop waiting for back-up, and start formulating a plan, because I’m sure monster spider would not sit still for much longer. Worse than that it was heading right into Ben’s closet. I had to protect my sweet Ben! Plus, even if I had considered letting it escape into Ben’s closet, I couldn’t live there knowing it was still alive somewhere in the house…ugh! My eyes landed on a pretty box under my vanity. Should I try to trap it? No! It had to be eradicated immediately. Ben’s shoe? (His shoes are bigger than mine). No! I don’t want a mere sole of a shoe to be the only thing between me and monster spider. How about the lid from the box? Better. That had potential. It was pretty sturdy and had a large footprint. I grabbed my weapon of choice. Still drenched and flailing water all over the room, I adjusted my towel and very slowly approached monster spider. I think I may have cussed again wishing my glasses were nearby, but alas, they were inconveniently placed in the bedroom and I would have to pass the monster spider to reach them. I couldn’t take the chance of tipping off the monster. More cuss words. Then a screech from me as it moved again, another foot to the right. “Dammit, it’s on to me!” Now it was in the closet. More cussing. I think I hovered there for like 10 minutes, box lid in one hand, other hand grasping my towel, not ever getting enough gumption to actually make a move. “Why am I such a chicken--t? Just do it! One quick motion!” I don’t know how many times I thought I would make myself move, but never did. Finally…{swat!} It started to move, as I feared as the lid came down, but thankfully the lid was large enough to land on the monster. I kept my eyes on it as I grabbed my sneakers and threw them on, then I hopped up and down on the box lid. After about 100 hops, I slowly slid the lid to the side. There it was, looking a little flattened. I wasn’t taking any chances. I put the lid back over and jumped on it many more times. I was then able to grab my glasses and the Dust Buster. I moved the lid, and aimed the Dust Buster at it. Unbelievable, I was still a chicken! I had to get up the nerve to put the stupid Dust Buster over the squashed arachnid. “Come on, Melissa, don’t give up now!” Whrrrrrrrr went the Dust Buster and *poof* went the monster. I threw on my night shirt and ran the Dust Buster out the front door. Ben can empty THAT when he gets home! That was just way too much scary for that hour of the day. Whew!  My only solace is making myself believe it was the same spider that was hiding in the water closet.  I have to believe that, cuz there's no way there could be another monster like this in our house...